Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I’ve gone and opened a nice big can of worms, haha.  I started this blogging process as a way to vent a little about our fertility issues, that’s true.  But I also wanted this to be about our lives and our family.  Now I’m feeling a little obligated to share something that I’m dealing with right now.  It’s uncomfortable for me because I feel like a failure.  *takes a deep breath*

I’ve decided after much consideration and months of discussion and frustration
 to take a significant sabbatical from work.

I don’t talk about my job much on any public forum because I feel it’s unprofessional for me to do so.  Plus, I work in human resources; I can’t very well go babbling about my day and violate someone’s privacy or something.  Generally, I say nothing at all or just little vague comments.  I’ve been very unhappy in my job for a very long time.  It started back in 2009 when my office lost two of its employees to other career opportunities and I was left pretty much alone, with no experience and little training.  Things got a little better when we hired a new Specialist and a new student.  I like my working relationship with them.  I even like my crazy supervisor.  It’s not the people in my little office group that has caused this urge to jump ship.

Over the last year (or really two) my office has been going through a lot of transitions.  We went from a pen and paper office to being fully automated in pretty much a year.  Now, I’m okay with that transition; I’m fairly computer savvy.  But my office, like all other places out there, has a lot of problems – communication, expectation, and a few other relatively normal issues (or perhaps my opinion is skewed because this is “all I know”).  I’m not handling my situation very well.  I take things very personally.  I care a great deal about the employees I service and the skill at which I perform my job.  The combination of the transition we are going through and my own personality “flaws” (I know they aren’t really flaws), is not a healthy combination.

Basically, I’m running myself in circles trying to please everyone and fix everything.  I cannot single-handedly carry my office, or the entire Washington Office, through this second phase of our Great Transition.  I need to and am trying to accept my limits.  I need to learn to accept help and ask for it when I need it. 

This week has been a humbling experience.  I feel like I’ve failed somehow – though I’ve done nothing wrong.  My coworker and supervisor pretty much refused to accept any kind of resignation from me and suggested that I consider leave without pay– a sabbatical of sorts.  Obviously, Richard and I have talked about this over and over and over and over again.  It will surely impact our financial comfort level, but it will be a manageable change, especially if it’s temporary.  I will take this time to take care of myself, my health, and my husband.  I feel so silly, like it’s such a big deal.  I’m afraid of people thinking that I’m lazy or spoiled or weak.  But I don’t know what else to do…  Richard noticed a few weeks back that I even started apoligizing in my sleep.  Who does that?!? 

I feel like with all that’s going on right now, a break is just what I need to reprioritize and get myself back on track.  Richard supports it and I feel good (though, terrified) about the decision.  I hope that my friends and family will support me in my efforts.