Working my way through the 5 stages

Ya know, social media is a dangerous temptress.  While I truly love sharing my life and my thoughts with others, I tend to shy away from the sadder times.  I don’t like to burden others in any way, shape, or form.  So, I’m going to tell myself that you’re only reading this if you care to.  My reasons for feeling down are silly and petty when compared to others who have real problems in their lives.  Nevertheless, what causes one person pain may or may not bother another person.  It’s all about perspective. 

We’ve had a pretty frustrating couple of weeks.  Maryland Live opened their poker room at the end of August.  While Richard and I prepared and planned ahead for a drop in business at Charles Town, neither of us expected this significant of a drop.  He’s been forced out almost every day for the last week and a half.  One day, he was there for two hours and dealt to one table, making a whopping $26.  That’s not going to cut it for us, if this trend continues. 

We’ve reached a point, now, that requires us to consider our back up plans.  One is that Richard picks up a second part time gig to help us wade through this difficult time.  The other is a more long term solution, and that’s for me to go back to work.  Neither option excites me.  I don’t like the idea of Richard picking up another job and losing more time with the girls (and me!).  I also don’t like the idea of going back to work myself.  I LOVE being home with my babies!!  Just thinking about not spending every single day with them brings tears to my eyes. 

However, we need to face the reality that things in Charles Town may not improve enough for us to continue on our current path.  We have certain expenses that are only going to increase as time goes by (food, clothes, doctor bills, etc.) and we have to do what’s best for our family.  We’ve been discussing the pros and cons of all of the options before us a lot over the last several days and it’s really been weighing me down. 

I know that I’ve been very lucky and very blessed to have been able to stay home with my children as long as I have.  I’m very thankful for this time I’ve had.  I’ve always known that this was likely to end and things would probably have to change.  I guess I hoped that I’d have more time.  There are a lot of things he and I still need to discuss and no real decisions have been made, though I have started working my resume. 

In time, I might find myself excited about new possibilities.  For now, I’m going to let myself feel sad and I’m going to let myself wish that things were different.  

Eeep! I'm going BALD!!

Hair down

 There are a lot of strange things that happen when you’re pregnant, during labor and delivery, while nursing, and after you have children.  Many of those strange things fall into that “They didn’t tell me about X-Y-Z!”  For example, when I was pregnant with Sam, I noticed a few skin tags appear on my neck…  Gross!  After panicking about what this might mean, I came to find out this isn’t abnormal during pregnancy.  I waited until she was born and removed them…  only to get a few more while pregnant with Sophie.  That’s just one thing on a long list of oddities that women experience for the sake of bringing new life into the world.  Small price, in my opinion, but I digress... 

Here’s another one of those weird little things “they didn’t tell me”…  Hair loss!  This is not abnormal, I’ve come to learn.  About three months or so after bring Sam home I noticed I was losing a lot of hair.  A crazy-lot of hair.  Like, fist fulls.  Ummmmm…. What!?!?  This went on for about a month or so and then stopped.  I had some pretty sizable “bald” spots above my temples.  But it didn’t last very long and new hair started to grow very quickly.  Oh wait, I’d gotten pregnant with Sophie when Sam was about 4 months old…!  Generally speaking, you have some of your best hair growth when you’re pregnant.  From what I’ve read, this postpartum hair loss can last six to twelve months after birth!!  My hair stopped falling out last time because I’d gone and gotten knocked up again. 

My future!?!?

Since there is no way under the sun I’m having any more babies (especially right now!), it looks like I might be in this for the long haul this time around…!  The hair loss just started about two or three weeks ago and is currently showing no signs of slowing down.  With my curls being what they are, the shorter pieces (the eventual new growth) is going to stick out the side of my head like Bozo the Clown…!  Maybe a new hair style is in order…? 

I guess I’ll wait and see where this ends up.  For the moment, while my hair looks MUCH thinner than usual it’s not that noticeable.  Pardon the selfies and the fact that I desperately need to see my hairdresser (in general), but I thought I’d share my funny little woes with the world.  Hahaha!  

Yikes!  Where is my hair!?!?

No ponytails for this lady!  

Sophie's Heart Update

Ignore the "A" or we can say
 it's for her A+ appointment...?
haha!

Earlier this week, I met with Sophie’s pediatric cardiologist.  First of all, she was super nice and very friendly!  That’s HUGE for me.  I don’t like it when doctors try to be intimidating or talk to you like you barely have a first grade education.  She had a great bedside manner with Sophie and went on and on about how adorable Sophie is and what a great job we’re doing with her.

The appointment started with weight and measurements.  Standard stuff.  Sophie was a champ and didn’t even fuss when they checked her blood pressure (which this Momma HATES!).  We hung out in the waiting room for a few minutes before meeting with the doctor the first time.  She took a listen to Sophie’s chest and said that she would put her pulmonary stenosis at “Mild Plus.”  She described this on a five rung ladder Sophie would be on the second rung.  Mild, Mild Plus, Moderate, Moderate Plus, Severe.  Already, I felt like I had more information and a better understanding of what’s going on!

Then she sent us back to the waiting room to wait for our turn on the ultrasound machine.  When we went back, the tech remembered us from last time and remarked on how much Sophie’s grown.  She knew exactly what she was looking for, so she zipped through the picture taking process.  While she’s humming and making all these sweet comments about what a “great job Momma is doing,” I’ve got tears dripping down my face. 

Damn it all, I’m such a whimp.  I know my daughter is going to be okay, but I can’t stop myself from getting all emotional and feeling like poo for not being able to just fix this for her.  Seeing her on the stark white sheets with little wires all over her tiny little chest is NOT a comforting sight.  I’m sooooooo grateful that this is not as serious as it could have been, but that doesn’t mean it’s a cake walk.  It still seriously sucks and I hate that I can’t make my baby better.  I should not be taking my baby to the Heart and Vascular Center.  She should not have to be hooked up to machines like this.  It’s so surreal to be talking to a cardiologist about my child and discussing possibilities that should never have to happen to any child!  But it’s not a perfect world and I have to buck up and be grateful that it’s not worse.  I feel totally lost about what to feel.  I’m a fish out of water; I’m in a strange world of instruments I don’t understand.  I’m totally at her mercy to tell me what’s going on with my child and it’s a horrifying position to be in. 

Just as the tech is wrapping up, the doctor comes back in.  She takes a peek at the pictures and says, “Oh excellent!”  My heart started beating a little bit faster. 

Click the photo to enlarge it.
You can see the details then.

The doctor pulls up this picture and shows me the video clip of her heart beating.  “Right here (green line),” she says pointing to the hole in her heart, “this looks like we’ve got a little flap forming.  That’s a great sign that this might be closing on its own.  Right here (yellow line), you can see the blood that’s flowing the wrong way.  You can see that it’s not a lot.  Once this closes, and we’ll hope that it will do so on its own, that should take some of the pressure off her pulmonary valve.  She might not need any intervention!” 

I was really excited and very relieved!  She went on to describe in better detail using a model heart where her hole is (that’s the atrial septal defect) and what kinds of things I should look for (blue tinted skin or a failure to thrive).  She said they would continue to monitor her for the next two years or so to make sure that the hole doesn’t grow as she grows. 

“We want that to shrink as her heart grows.  That’s what we’ll look for.”  She said.  “Probably our biggest concern would be that the pulmonary stenosis may grow with her.  I don’t think that’s going to happen.  She’s in excellent shape and growing beautifully.” 

Then, she told me that they’d like to see Sophie back in four months.  As she shakes Sophie’s little hand, she smiles and says, “Ya know, let’s make that six months.  Yeah.  I think that will be just fine.  She’s a beautiful little girl.  Six months will be great.” 

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Such great news!!  

A wider shot of the screen.  Sorry it's a little fuzzy.  My camera on my phone sucks.