Reminiscing – Just one more….

My baby is two.  My littlest angel is two.  No more babies…  These girls are growing up so stinking fast; it makes my head spin to think about it.  I can’t even believe that stage of our family is over. 

New-to-the-world, Sam

Perhaps it’s because my best friend just had her first child.  I’m so excited for her!  He’s gorgeous and precious and tiny and perfect – and I haven’t even gotten to meet him yet!  But my own children’s births are still so fresh in my head and it’s been bittersweet thinking back on them.  My poor husband has had to deal with my emotional reminiscing for the last few days.  For some crazy reason, I can’t seem to remember the pain or the fear with the same sharpness as I remember the beauty or the intense overwhelming feelings of love and joy and peace.  I remember holding them both for the very first time and now… now I can only remember how my breath caught in my chest and how the world completely stood still as I looked into those perfect, deep blue tiny eyes.  I can only remember my husband’s forehead pressed against mine as he assured me that “you got this, babe” when Sam’s Pitocin driven contractions felt like I was being ripped apart.  Or when he held me as we swayed in the shower, trying to cox Sophie into her finial position.  He and I, alone in our little bubble, savoring those last few moments – so intensely in love. 

Daddy holds Sam for the first time

Looking back, I feel so blessed that my girls were both born into such a love-filled room.  My mom, wonderful and strong and patient and reassuring.  My sisters – attentive and kind.  My husband…  Ya’ll know how much I love that man, right.  So I don’t need to explain the depth of love or the strength of that connection.  Because I’m not sure the English language has the words.  And I feel so lucky and so unbelievably blessed to have had such amazing experiences.  New life.  Fresh and perfect.   

I also think it’s because Sophie is now two that I find myself drawn back into my memories.  I imagine that this is about when Moms start to think about adding another member to their family.  I imagine that my craving for another baby is normal, when your babies aren’t really babies anymore. 

My sisters sometimes tease me with comments like, “Oh, just have one more!”  And sometimes that hurts, because we can’t.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that my husband put his foot down about going ahead with the vasectomy when he did.  Our decision to stop at two was a sound one and made after several serious conversations.  My thoughts and daydreams and wistful desires stems entirely from an emotional place in the transition from Baby Time to Toddler Time.  It certainly doesn’t help when I allow myself to think about their Birth Days. 

New-to-the-world, Sophie

So, I’m trying to concentrate on this fantastic and trying stage.  Sam turned three at the end of March.  She’s ah-mazing.  She blows my mind sometimes.  She’s counting like a pro (roughly to 12) and knows almost all of her letters on sight.  Her vocabulary is astonishing.  She’s so eager to learn new things and is definitely in the “Why?” stage.  I must hear, “why” about six hundred times a day.  There are moments that test my patience, too.  She’s taken to blood-curdling screams when something doesn’t go exactly her way.  Like, if her banana breaks.  Haha.  I’m going to have my hands full with her, because she’s stubborn and insistent and I’m pretty sure she’s already smarter than me.  She’s gorgeous and brilliant and creative and passionate and already fills me with such pride. 

I'm a sap, what can I say.... (Sophie)

Then Sophie…  My baby.  I’ve got a soft spot for this one and I have to keep myself in check not to go easier on her.  She’s a flirt and has the greatest sense of humor.  Her laugh is full-bodied and pure joy.  I can’t get enough of her laughter.  She, too, is smart.  Her vocab and talking has been a little slower than Sam’s was, but she’s picking up new words left and right now.  I love her sweet, throaty voice.  She’s mischievous and I’m sure she and I are going to go toe-to-toe one day…  She’s emotional and everything she feels is on display for the world to see.  At her young age, nothing gets held back – and in some respects, most respects, it’s a beautiful thing to see.  She’s curious and adventurous and unafraid (which scares the daylights out of me!). 

I’m so unbelievably proud of both of my girls.  They’re amazing to me.  I, still, sometimes, will sit back and just watch them.  I’m in awe of them.  These tiny little people, made in love, created by love.  I remember reading a meme somewhere that said children were a mother’s heart living outside her body.  That is so friggin true!!  I see those sweet little people as my own heart, right there for the world to see.  It fills me with fear and happiness, joy and anxiety.  It’s beautiful and terrifying.

So why not have one more!?  Sometimes I wish we could.  Sometimes, like this week, it’s all I want in the world.  Feel that life stirring inside me again….  Nursing, I really loved that…  That wonderful, new baby smell…  (not the poop, haha!) 

Ah well, it’s not in the cards for us, so I will have to content myself with my memories and sharing in the joy of other new mothers.  I am so excited for my dearest friend and her husband and their brand new and absolutely perfect son.  He’s wonderful!  Cherish every second, even the horrible poop and vomit covered ones, because they go by so very quickly.         

Soul Searching

Okay, where to start… 

Back in September, when Maryland Live opened their poker room, Richard and I went into a mild panic mode.  Business at Charles Town dropped more than we’d expected and he was being forced home a lot.  We talked about it and I applied for a few jobs that popped up on my USAJobs search.  Then the government shut down, the holidays came, my aunt got sick, and I just kind of forgot all about it.  Life goes on, business picked up a little over time, and we just kept pushing through. 

Near the end of January, I got a call from the US Coast Guard.  One of the jobs I applied for was still, shockingly, in the works and they wondered if I’d like to come in for an interview.  Umm, yeah. 

Richard and I didn’t really have time to talk about it.  We both knew that we’re definitely at a point where something’s got to give.  Little things and bigger things have been piling up on us for quite some time.  We knew something needed to change and since this was happening, we should just run with it.  But we never talked about it.  We – or I – just assumed that he would back the idea.  After all, I’m very employable and capable.  If we need more money, then it just makes logical sense that I go back to work. 

The interview went well, I felt.  And it must have, because when I returned home from my aunt’s funeral, I had an email from the USCG that they would like to call my references. 

It’s hard to discuss my feelings on the matter.  I, myself, hold a split opinion.  On the one hand, I feel like if my family needs the money and I CAN work, then shouldn’t I?  Federal positions come with a steady and reliable paycheck and great benefits.  Better health insurance alone should be enough to sell me on the idea, right?  There is no growth potential with this position and that is a negative for me.  It's also not in my career field - human resources or psychology.  But, a job's a job, and we need me to have one, right?

At the same time, I desperately don’t want to give up this wonderful life of being home to raise our children.  I happen to really, really love being home!  I love that I am here to be a the best mom I can be to our children, do laundry, pick up, have dinner ready when Richard gets home, make his tea, and all the other silly little wifey things.  Yeah, I'd be there with his slippers and his pipe and a happy little grin on my face - what of it?  THIS is the life I've always wanted!  

And that's just it...  I feel guilty for wanting this life!  For having this life!  I HATE that I feel such guilt for wanting to be here.  I hate that there’s a part of me that feels like I’ve got it easy.  I hate that our society has pulled so far away from the SAHM place – whether it’s because the cost of living is just too damn high for a family to survive on one income (unless you’re lucky enough to make six figures), or because girls are encouraged to pursue a career over staying home to raise their kids, or whether we’ve pushed women to believe that they have to (and should want to) do it all.  I hate that I feel like I'm somehow less of a woman/good mom because I'm not juggling a career AND children.  But I don't want that....  doesn't that matter at all?

So, while I wrestle all of these things and wait on tender hooks for news on the job, I've been a BEAR.  I mean, generally, I'm a pretty nice person.  These last few weeks, I've been a right nasty piece of work.  Richard's put up with me beautifully, over all.  And then he throws an unforeseen monkey wrench into my already confused heart...  He says to me, "I don't know that I want you to go back to work - even if they offer you this job."  Ummm, what!?!?  You do the bills, babe...  Surely, you didn't hit the lotto and not tell me?  Haha!  (We don't play.)

And so, my amazing spouse says that maybe we should consider him taking on a second job.  He wants me to be home, too.  (That is why we did it in the first place, after all.)  Because I'm already in a rather negative place, I started to think about what everyone would think about that…  Here I am, totally able to work but hanging out at home playing Legos with my babies, while my husband busts his ass at two jobs to make it possible.  Wow, that makes me feel even more selfish than I already did!  But damn it, there’s a little piece of me that chirps up and says, “Wow sweetheart, that would be GREAT! I'd miss you a ton and I know you'd be exhausted, but that would be awesome if I could stay right here.” 

When I think about having someone else watching the girls, seeing Sophie’s first steps or teaching Sam more colors… I end up in tears.  I want to be the one here with them.  I want to be the one teaching them to do those things. Even though I feel some guilt about not bringing home any bacon, I take IMMENSE pride in the job I do here.  So what is the balance?  What is the right choice?  Is it more responsible and better for our family in the long run that I accept this job (if it's even offered to me) or do I let my husband continue to fully support us by working twice as hard?   

I've tried to add up the pros and cons.  Richard and I have been talking endlessly about all of this.  I could be called today, Monday... any day.  I might not get called at all.  We have no idea.  Trying to decide which path to go down is exhausting.  We don't want to make the wrong choice.  What's best for the girls?  What's best for our marriage?  What's best for the family unit?  What's best for our finances?  For me, the only question that is answered with "Sara works" is the last one.  Is that enough of a reason to do it?  

Argh!!  There is no easy way to come to a decision.  I know that, together, we will make one.  And we'll do what we feel is the best thing for our family.  But it really, really sucks to have to make the choice.

Who knows, the whole argument might be for nothing.  I haven't even been offered the job yet.  

A New Chapter!

Well, my last blog entry was a little down in the dumps, wasn’t it.  We’ve gone through a few scary weeks here.  Richard’s income tanked much further than we’d planned for with the opening of Maryland Live’s Poker Room and then, after several weeks of significantly lower paychecks, they started firing dealers at the his casino.  The firing is over and Richard’s still got his job, thank goodness!  Now that the staffing levels have dropped, he’s back to making his “normal” income and that’s been a HUGE relief!  Things are starting to look up again and we couldn’t be more grateful. 

That being said, I am still applying for some positions here and there.  There isn’t much out there in my particular line of work (federal HR), but I’ve broadened my horizons and we aren’t in as big of a rush for me to hop back into the working world.  Richard and I both really believe that the best place for me right now is in our home with our girls.  It’s where I really and truly want to be.  When this “rough patch” began and we started to consider our back up plans and options, I was pretty down.  None of those ideas made me happy or gave us the satisfying home-life we’ve come so accustomed to.  Out of desperation breeds the most creative solutions… 

I started to think…  What on earth could I do that would enable me to stay home with my girls and still bring in some extra money!?  There were a lot of ideas that floated around in my head, but nothing really felt right.  Then, like a perfect storm, several ideas came clashing together at once… 

• ·         I love being creative.
• ·         I love sculpture.
• ·         I love my girls more than anything in the world.
• ·         I like to recycle/upcycle and it’s a popular thing at the moment.
• ·         Flea Market Flip is one of my favorite shows.
• ·         I’m obsessed with Pinterest.
• ·         Robin (one of my friends) liked my kids’ cabinet redo, maybe others would too.
• ·         What if I tried to sell stuff like that…??  Would there be a market for such things…?

These things swirled around in my head, multiplying like bunnies!  The more I thought about it, the more reasons I came up with as to why this would suit me so well.  The question was, how do I pitch this to my husband.

Now, for those of you who know my husband, he can be a little… well, blunt.  Haha!  If he doesn’t like something, he makes no bones about telling you so.  I’ve pitched a few business ideas at him over the years and he’s pooed all over them.  So, if I wanted to pitch this upcycled idea to him then I needed to be very detailed and logical about it.  I can’t just go to him and say, “Baby, I wanna stay home and I wanna build stuff because I love my kids and don’t wanna go back to work.”  That just wouldn’t fly. 

So, during nap time, I sat down and started putting together a quick and dirty PowerPoint presentation that I planned on pitching to him over dinner that night.  I searched around and started pulling examples of furniture that was selling in local yardsales and flea markets.  I pulled ideas off Pinterest of ways that I could upcycle these furniture pieces into something fun for children.  I pulled prices off Lowe’s, Home Depot, Hobby Lobby, and Michael’s for odds and ends we’d need to recreate these fun items. 

I only got about halfway through my PowerPoint when Sam woke up.  But I figured I had enough to pitch it to him.  He’d probably think it was silly anyway…

BUT HE DIDN’T!!!!!!!!!

Richard got on board right away.  He thought it was a great idea and something that was right up my alley.  He gave me the green light to start looking for furniture and handed me a credit card we don’t use so that I could start my “business” and keep everything separate from the household.  He even agreed to help me out with some of the assembly and stuff. 

I immediately set to work!  After some bumps along the way, we collected what would become our first four pieces.  We kicked around some name ideas while we toiled away on our first few projects.  Richard became so much more than a supporter; he became my perfect partner!  I built a Facebook store page, created a new email address, and started lining things up to “launch” our hobby business.  Already, this adventure has brought us closer together and given us something new to strive toward and enjoy.  Even if we don’t sell a single solitary piece, we’ve had a great time! 

So, it is with GREAT PLEASURE and EXTREME EXCITEMENT, I give to you……..

S & R Custom Creations

At S&R Custom Creations, we create, upcycle, and recreate children’s play furniture.  Kitchenettes, dress up stations, chairs, and benches are just a few of the fun custom pieces you will find here. Every piece is different, unique, and fun - just like your child(ren)!

We would love it if you would like our facebook page and share it with your friends (click the name above; it’s a link).  Richard and I are truly excited to begin this new chapter.  I can’t wait to see what the future will bring!  I can’t wait to dive into our next project!  I can’t wait to find our next piece of furniture to rescue and revive!  And we would love so much for you to follow us through this journey. 

Yay!!  

Working my way through the 5 stages

Ya know, social media is a dangerous temptress.  While I truly love sharing my life and my thoughts with others, I tend to shy away from the sadder times.  I don’t like to burden others in any way, shape, or form.  So, I’m going to tell myself that you’re only reading this if you care to.  My reasons for feeling down are silly and petty when compared to others who have real problems in their lives.  Nevertheless, what causes one person pain may or may not bother another person.  It’s all about perspective. 

We’ve had a pretty frustrating couple of weeks.  Maryland Live opened their poker room at the end of August.  While Richard and I prepared and planned ahead for a drop in business at Charles Town, neither of us expected this significant of a drop.  He’s been forced out almost every day for the last week and a half.  One day, he was there for two hours and dealt to one table, making a whopping $26.  That’s not going to cut it for us, if this trend continues. 

We’ve reached a point, now, that requires us to consider our back up plans.  One is that Richard picks up a second part time gig to help us wade through this difficult time.  The other is a more long term solution, and that’s for me to go back to work.  Neither option excites me.  I don’t like the idea of Richard picking up another job and losing more time with the girls (and me!).  I also don’t like the idea of going back to work myself.  I LOVE being home with my babies!!  Just thinking about not spending every single day with them brings tears to my eyes. 

However, we need to face the reality that things in Charles Town may not improve enough for us to continue on our current path.  We have certain expenses that are only going to increase as time goes by (food, clothes, doctor bills, etc.) and we have to do what’s best for our family.  We’ve been discussing the pros and cons of all of the options before us a lot over the last several days and it’s really been weighing me down. 

I know that I’ve been very lucky and very blessed to have been able to stay home with my children as long as I have.  I’m very thankful for this time I’ve had.  I’ve always known that this was likely to end and things would probably have to change.  I guess I hoped that I’d have more time.  There are a lot of things he and I still need to discuss and no real decisions have been made, though I have started working my resume. 

In time, I might find myself excited about new possibilities.  For now, I’m going to let myself feel sad and I’m going to let myself wish that things were different.  

Eeep! I'm going BALD!!

Hair down

 There are a lot of strange things that happen when you’re pregnant, during labor and delivery, while nursing, and after you have children.  Many of those strange things fall into that “They didn’t tell me about X-Y-Z!”  For example, when I was pregnant with Sam, I noticed a few skin tags appear on my neck…  Gross!  After panicking about what this might mean, I came to find out this isn’t abnormal during pregnancy.  I waited until she was born and removed them…  only to get a few more while pregnant with Sophie.  That’s just one thing on a long list of oddities that women experience for the sake of bringing new life into the world.  Small price, in my opinion, but I digress... 

Here’s another one of those weird little things “they didn’t tell me”…  Hair loss!  This is not abnormal, I’ve come to learn.  About three months or so after bring Sam home I noticed I was losing a lot of hair.  A crazy-lot of hair.  Like, fist fulls.  Ummmmm…. What!?!?  This went on for about a month or so and then stopped.  I had some pretty sizable “bald” spots above my temples.  But it didn’t last very long and new hair started to grow very quickly.  Oh wait, I’d gotten pregnant with Sophie when Sam was about 4 months old…!  Generally speaking, you have some of your best hair growth when you’re pregnant.  From what I’ve read, this postpartum hair loss can last six to twelve months after birth!!  My hair stopped falling out last time because I’d gone and gotten knocked up again. 

My future!?!?

Since there is no way under the sun I’m having any more babies (especially right now!), it looks like I might be in this for the long haul this time around…!  The hair loss just started about two or three weeks ago and is currently showing no signs of slowing down.  With my curls being what they are, the shorter pieces (the eventual new growth) is going to stick out the side of my head like Bozo the Clown…!  Maybe a new hair style is in order…? 

I guess I’ll wait and see where this ends up.  For the moment, while my hair looks MUCH thinner than usual it’s not that noticeable.  Pardon the selfies and the fact that I desperately need to see my hairdresser (in general), but I thought I’d share my funny little woes with the world.  Hahaha!  

Yikes!  Where is my hair!?!?

No ponytails for this lady!  

Sophie's Heart Update

Ignore the "A" or we can say
 it's for her A+ appointment...?
haha!

Earlier this week, I met with Sophie’s pediatric cardiologist.  First of all, she was super nice and very friendly!  That’s HUGE for me.  I don’t like it when doctors try to be intimidating or talk to you like you barely have a first grade education.  She had a great bedside manner with Sophie and went on and on about how adorable Sophie is and what a great job we’re doing with her.

The appointment started with weight and measurements.  Standard stuff.  Sophie was a champ and didn’t even fuss when they checked her blood pressure (which this Momma HATES!).  We hung out in the waiting room for a few minutes before meeting with the doctor the first time.  She took a listen to Sophie’s chest and said that she would put her pulmonary stenosis at “Mild Plus.”  She described this on a five rung ladder Sophie would be on the second rung.  Mild, Mild Plus, Moderate, Moderate Plus, Severe.  Already, I felt like I had more information and a better understanding of what’s going on!

Then she sent us back to the waiting room to wait for our turn on the ultrasound machine.  When we went back, the tech remembered us from last time and remarked on how much Sophie’s grown.  She knew exactly what she was looking for, so she zipped through the picture taking process.  While she’s humming and making all these sweet comments about what a “great job Momma is doing,” I’ve got tears dripping down my face. 

Damn it all, I’m such a whimp.  I know my daughter is going to be okay, but I can’t stop myself from getting all emotional and feeling like poo for not being able to just fix this for her.  Seeing her on the stark white sheets with little wires all over her tiny little chest is NOT a comforting sight.  I’m sooooooo grateful that this is not as serious as it could have been, but that doesn’t mean it’s a cake walk.  It still seriously sucks and I hate that I can’t make my baby better.  I should not be taking my baby to the Heart and Vascular Center.  She should not have to be hooked up to machines like this.  It’s so surreal to be talking to a cardiologist about my child and discussing possibilities that should never have to happen to any child!  But it’s not a perfect world and I have to buck up and be grateful that it’s not worse.  I feel totally lost about what to feel.  I’m a fish out of water; I’m in a strange world of instruments I don’t understand.  I’m totally at her mercy to tell me what’s going on with my child and it’s a horrifying position to be in. 

Just as the tech is wrapping up, the doctor comes back in.  She takes a peek at the pictures and says, “Oh excellent!”  My heart started beating a little bit faster. 

Click the photo to enlarge it.
You can see the details then.

The doctor pulls up this picture and shows me the video clip of her heart beating.  “Right here (green line),” she says pointing to the hole in her heart, “this looks like we’ve got a little flap forming.  That’s a great sign that this might be closing on its own.  Right here (yellow line), you can see the blood that’s flowing the wrong way.  You can see that it’s not a lot.  Once this closes, and we’ll hope that it will do so on its own, that should take some of the pressure off her pulmonary valve.  She might not need any intervention!” 

I was really excited and very relieved!  She went on to describe in better detail using a model heart where her hole is (that’s the atrial septal defect) and what kinds of things I should look for (blue tinted skin or a failure to thrive).  She said they would continue to monitor her for the next two years or so to make sure that the hole doesn’t grow as she grows. 

“We want that to shrink as her heart grows.  That’s what we’ll look for.”  She said.  “Probably our biggest concern would be that the pulmonary stenosis may grow with her.  I don’t think that’s going to happen.  She’s in excellent shape and growing beautifully.” 

Then, she told me that they’d like to see Sophie back in four months.  As she shakes Sophie’s little hand, she smiles and says, “Ya know, let’s make that six months.  Yeah.  I think that will be just fine.  She’s a beautiful little girl.  Six months will be great.” 

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Such great news!!  

A wider shot of the screen.  Sorry it's a little fuzzy.  My camera on my phone sucks.  

Play Time!

As it was...

So who remembers this cabinet?  I know a few of you will.  For those who don’t know, this cabinet was made by my dad’s grandfather!  He played with it when he was young and my great grandmother gave it to my sisters and me when we were little. 

I have many great memories of playing kitchen with this little cabinet.  Diana used to make a special dish that she called “champlain,” which turns out to actually be a lake!  I remember tea parties with my sisters and our American dolls.  It was also a great hiding place for little trinkets or snacks we saved for later.  It’s been used as a makeshift desk, a mailbox, and closet for our dolls. 

Now, I’ll be honest.  When we were cleaning out my parent’s garage for our yard sale, I was not excited when it was suggested that Richard and I keep the cabinet.  It’s old, blue, and redoing it was a project I wasn’t sure I really felt like taking on.  But my mom put her foot down; she wasn’t keeping it, we weren’t allowed to sell it, and my sisters didn’t want it or have the place for it.  Okay, I guess it’s me then. 

Mid sanding...

After bringing it home, though, I started to think about the possibilities.  Then I got a little excited about Sam and Sophie having something to play with that’s got such a nice family history.  That’s when I started making my plans to breathe some new life into it.  At first, I was just going to repaint it with the same paint that we used in Sam’s room (a light lavender).  Then I started thinking it would be more fun to do a really bright color, change the knobs, and maybe add some freehand flowers.  Ideas started pouring in and I set to work taking off the old knobs and sanding down the old paint.  Richard even gave me some baby-free time this past weekend to make some headway! 

So, here it is!  I’ve still got some more ideas…  Maybe a little backsplash.  Maybe paint a stove top.  Maybe add some chalkboard paint to the cabinet fronts up top.  Who knows!  But for now, I’m just super excited to give my girls this updated piece of history and another place for their imaginations to blossom!  

Primed!  

First coat of paint!!  So in love with this bright and playful color!  

All finished!!  I haven't done the chalkboard paint yet,
but I think I'm going to now.

Full of food! 

Oooooohhh!  What's this!?!?

Cooking already!  Mmmmm, veggie soup!

What do ya know, she's a messy cook...  lol!  Just like Daddy!  Hahaha! 

And a bonus one of my Bubbles!  :o)

Oh, did I mention there's a chalkboard, too!  That's up next, though it might have to wait a little while.  I've got some big ideas for that, as well.  It's going to have a cross stitch of the ABC's that my mom made when we were kids...!