Soul Searching

Okay, where to start… 

Back in September, when Maryland Live opened their poker room, Richard and I went into a mild panic mode.  Business at Charles Town dropped more than we’d expected and he was being forced home a lot.  We talked about it and I applied for a few jobs that popped up on my USAJobs search.  Then the government shut down, the holidays came, my aunt got sick, and I just kind of forgot all about it.  Life goes on, business picked up a little over time, and we just kept pushing through. 

Near the end of January, I got a call from the US Coast Guard.  One of the jobs I applied for was still, shockingly, in the works and they wondered if I’d like to come in for an interview.  Umm, yeah. 

Richard and I didn’t really have time to talk about it.  We both knew that we’re definitely at a point where something’s got to give.  Little things and bigger things have been piling up on us for quite some time.  We knew something needed to change and since this was happening, we should just run with it.  But we never talked about it.  We – or I – just assumed that he would back the idea.  After all, I’m very employable and capable.  If we need more money, then it just makes logical sense that I go back to work. 

The interview went well, I felt.  And it must have, because when I returned home from my aunt’s funeral, I had an email from the USCG that they would like to call my references. 

It’s hard to discuss my feelings on the matter.  I, myself, hold a split opinion.  On the one hand, I feel like if my family needs the money and I CAN work, then shouldn’t I?  Federal positions come with a steady and reliable paycheck and great benefits.  Better health insurance alone should be enough to sell me on the idea, right?  There is no growth potential with this position and that is a negative for me.  It's also not in my career field - human resources or psychology.  But, a job's a job, and we need me to have one, right?

At the same time, I desperately don’t want to give up this wonderful life of being home to raise our children.  I happen to really, really love being home!  I love that I am here to be a the best mom I can be to our children, do laundry, pick up, have dinner ready when Richard gets home, make his tea, and all the other silly little wifey things.  Yeah, I'd be there with his slippers and his pipe and a happy little grin on my face - what of it?  THIS is the life I've always wanted!  

And that's just it...  I feel guilty for wanting this life!  For having this life!  I HATE that I feel such guilt for wanting to be here.  I hate that there’s a part of me that feels like I’ve got it easy.  I hate that our society has pulled so far away from the SAHM place – whether it’s because the cost of living is just too damn high for a family to survive on one income (unless you’re lucky enough to make six figures), or because girls are encouraged to pursue a career over staying home to raise their kids, or whether we’ve pushed women to believe that they have to (and should want to) do it all.  I hate that I feel like I'm somehow less of a woman/good mom because I'm not juggling a career AND children.  But I don't want that....  doesn't that matter at all?

So, while I wrestle all of these things and wait on tender hooks for news on the job, I've been a BEAR.  I mean, generally, I'm a pretty nice person.  These last few weeks, I've been a right nasty piece of work.  Richard's put up with me beautifully, over all.  And then he throws an unforeseen monkey wrench into my already confused heart...  He says to me, "I don't know that I want you to go back to work - even if they offer you this job."  Ummm, what!?!?  You do the bills, babe...  Surely, you didn't hit the lotto and not tell me?  Haha!  (We don't play.)

And so, my amazing spouse says that maybe we should consider him taking on a second job.  He wants me to be home, too.  (That is why we did it in the first place, after all.)  Because I'm already in a rather negative place, I started to think about what everyone would think about that…  Here I am, totally able to work but hanging out at home playing Legos with my babies, while my husband busts his ass at two jobs to make it possible.  Wow, that makes me feel even more selfish than I already did!  But damn it, there’s a little piece of me that chirps up and says, “Wow sweetheart, that would be GREAT! I'd miss you a ton and I know you'd be exhausted, but that would be awesome if I could stay right here.” 

When I think about having someone else watching the girls, seeing Sophie’s first steps or teaching Sam more colors… I end up in tears.  I want to be the one here with them.  I want to be the one teaching them to do those things. Even though I feel some guilt about not bringing home any bacon, I take IMMENSE pride in the job I do here.  So what is the balance?  What is the right choice?  Is it more responsible and better for our family in the long run that I accept this job (if it's even offered to me) or do I let my husband continue to fully support us by working twice as hard?   

I've tried to add up the pros and cons.  Richard and I have been talking endlessly about all of this.  I could be called today, Monday... any day.  I might not get called at all.  We have no idea.  Trying to decide which path to go down is exhausting.  We don't want to make the wrong choice.  What's best for the girls?  What's best for our marriage?  What's best for the family unit?  What's best for our finances?  For me, the only question that is answered with "Sara works" is the last one.  Is that enough of a reason to do it?  

Argh!!  There is no easy way to come to a decision.  I know that, together, we will make one.  And we'll do what we feel is the best thing for our family.  But it really, really sucks to have to make the choice.

Who knows, the whole argument might be for nothing.  I haven't even been offered the job yet.