To my dearest Lil Pea…
It’s amazing to realize that in a few short weeks or a few short days, you could be bundled up in our arms. We are so excited to meet you, baby! It feels like it’s taken so long to get you here! Some kids don’t like to hear about things like this, but your Daddy and I waited for 18 months before we got the good news you were on your way to us. Then, these last 9 months have just taken forever! But, here we are, on the home stretch. And while you’ll probably pick on me some day (as much as your Aunts and I pick on your Grandma) for being a sentimental sap… I’m going to do this anyway.
You know… Your Daddy and I hadn’t been together very long before you became a topic of conversation. A friend of mine had gotten pregnant and it gave your Dad and me a chance to talk about what would happen if we found ourselves in a similar position. I warned him that I had a name picked out for a boy and if he didn’t like it, too bad. Needless to say, that led to the agreement that if we ever decided to have children I could name a boy and he would name a girl. He picked Samantha pretty quickly. We both liked it. Thus, you became a twinkle in our eye… almost four years before you actually existed.
Your Daddy and I would often joke or speculate about your future. Surely, you’d have curly hair (with my curls and his waves, how could you not!?). You’d be brilliant; because, of course, we are brilliant. Sometimes, in our daydreams, you played cello and others times soccer. Would you be an artist or a math whiz? We would wonder if you’d be a tough girl, climbing trees and skinning your knees or would you be more feminine and interested in makeup. No matter what direction you take in life or where your interests are, Samantha, I hope you always know how loved and wanted you were and are – from the very start.
As these months have gone by and I’ve thought about my own childhood, I’ve realized that you will not be a carbon copy of me. You will be your own person with your own memories, your own way of thinking, and your own ideas. And I wouldn’t want you to be a carbon copy of me or your Dad. I want you to be your own person and be able to freely express yourself as whomever you feel you are. I can’t wait to learn more about you! Even so, I have many hopes and dreams for you…
When I think about how wonderful my childhood was, I hope I can give you at least as much joy. I hope our family remains close and tight knit, so that you will know the comfort and love and support a good family can provide. I hope that when you’re grown, you will look back on your childhood and have many fond memories of time spent with Grandpa and Grandma (like I do). I hope that you will have wonderful adventures with your cousins (when they join us). I hope that you find friends in your life who stick with you through thick and thin, like the wonderful friends I’ve had. I hope I can teach you to stand up for yourself and respect yourself.
I hope that when I find your experiments (otherwise known as dirty dishes) growing under your bed that I don’t get too angry. I hope that when you decide to collect something strange (like broken pottery) that I remember how it felt when I came home and found my own collection missing. I hope that when you decide to give yourself a haircut, I tell you how beautiful you look before finding a way to fix it. I hope that I remember what it feels like to be a kid enough to have empathy for you when I need it. I hope that when you become a rebellious teenager, I can hold my tongue and remember that one day you’ll be out of that phase and be my sweet, sweet girl again. I hope I have a craft box for rainy days and that I get down on the floor and play dolls with you. I hope I don’t fuss you when you want to taste Play-Doh.
I hope I’m not too jealous of how much you’re going to love your Daddy. Cause he’s pretty damn amazing. I hope he takes you fishing and camping. I hope he plays catch, if you want him to. Or lets you put makeup on him or paint his toe nails, if you want to. I’m sure he will. You’ve already got him wrapped around your finger.
I hope I can spare you at least some of the pains in life. I know they help to mold us and build us into the people we become, but I already would do anything at all to protect you. I hope that if I can’t stop the hurt from happening that I can be there for you in whatever capacity you need of me. But please know now, I would do anything… anything at all… to just stop the hurt from happening.
We’re bound to make a lot of mistakes along the way, kiddo. As my mother used to tell say, it’s not like kids come with instruction manuals. We’re going to do the best we can. I can’t promise you that we won’t get angry. I can’t promise that there won’t be tough times. I can promise that you’ll get punished for doing something wrong and I’m sure that the words “I hate you” will be launched our direction. But, I do promise that everything we do will be because we thought it to be in your best interest. I hope we can do right by you.
Can’t wait to meet you, Samantha Noel… Every day seems like a week…
With the greatest of love…
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