I have been so blessed with the wonderful people in my life. I have learned so much from them all. Each friend has done something truly amazing and empowering with their lives – whether it’s a weight loss goal, higher education, moving beyond something traumatic, or stepping up to the challenges of life with grace and poise. They inspire me. I am so thankful that I’ve been given the opportunity to learn from them. Right now, I’m not doing as well as I had hoped. However, by taking a step back and admitting my faults, flaws, and mistakes, I feel like maybe I can move forward.
When I left my job, I had really high ambitions and lofty goals. I wanted to be the perfect housewife for my husband. I wanted a clean house where laundry was completed before we overflowed the basket. I wanted a cute little vegetable garden and beautiful flowers. I wanted to bake and cook and clean and craft. I wanted to get healthier and happier. And here’s the secret wish, I wanted the summer to end with the good news that we were expecting. I set the bar high… very high, indeed.
I believed that after a couple of weeks, I’d be back to “my old self” with more energy and more optimism. I thought that once I got the house clean, I’d be able to move forward with my other goals. I thought that I’d feel more in control of my life and the direction it was taking. Instead, I find myself just as confused as I ever was. I still am looking for excuses to pop a bowl of popcorn and watch a movie, instead of doing something on my “To Do” list. I still am fighting urges to be lazy and call it rest, relaxation, rejuvenation. I am still fighting with feeling guilty for all I haven’t done. I continue to find myself jealous of the happy families out there. I still find myself angry – very angry.
I am angry with myself. I’m angry that I let myself gain more weight over the last three years, but turn around and make excuses for why and how it happened. I am angry that I still can’t seem to look at myself in the mirror and see myself objectively or as I truly am. I’m angry that my body is not prepared for pregnancy in the way that it should be. I’m angry at myself for wanting to take the easy way out, rather than work harder to achieve my weight loss goals. I’m devastated by the knowledge that it’s my fault we’re not pregnant. (Not that I wanted something to be wrong with Richard, but that I wish it was nothing more than a timing issue rather than a health issue.) I am angry that I allow myself to feel jealousy when I see pictures of my friends beautiful babies. I am angry that I haven’t baked any bread. I haven’t painted or finished a single book. I am frustrated that while I’ve been better about seeing my friends and spending time with the people I love, I will periodically avoid my email so I don’t have to talk to anyone.
Today, I stumbled upon a blog that was written by a woman I’ve known since we were learning to count. While we were friends as children, our lives took very different directions as we grew up and we lost touch. She is my friend on Facebook and there, I found the link to her blog. I read the whole thing; I couldn’t put it down. She totally inspired me and reminded me that I really do need to be thankful for what I have and to start each day new. Though the name of our motivating factor may be slightly different, I think our overall goals are similar. In that, I felt empowered and enlightened. She reminded me that we are not perfect and that we never will be. But her motivation, determinedness, and desire to keep fighting toward her goals really made me think about my own resoluteness. I used to feel so much stronger than I do today, and her blogged experiences helped me to believe that I could be “my old self” again if I only forced myself to really try.
A few weeks ago, a dear friend made dinner for me in her cute little apartment. I’ve always looked up to her. There are many reasons I admire her, but one is because of her seemingly unwavering optimism. And during the course of the evening, I watched her cooking and thought to myself “I wish I could be more like her.” It hit me, that the only thing stopping myself from being more like her was… myself! All I needed to do was wake up in the morning and decide that it was going to be a good day and I could take each challenge as a chance to better my life. She stressed the importance of letting go of anger. What’s the point of being angry about something that’s over and done. Rather than live in the past and curse the mistakes, take a deep breath and focus on making the right decisions in the future. She helped me to reach an important mile marker in my journey… the decision process in managing a mood.
I have learned a lot recently – from my friends and from my own experiences. I have learned that I can’t run away from my problems or expect them to go away overnight or on their own. I have learned that I spend way too much time wallowing in self-pity (wow, that’s a hard thing to say!). I need to start being aware of my blessings and gifts rather than wrestle with guilt and frustration. I will work harder to not be so angry all the time and forgive myself. There’s nothing I can do to change the past – but I can do everything to better the future. I keep thinking that if I get the house clean, I’ll be happy. If I get healthier, I’ll be happy. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong… If I decide to be happy, I can reach my goals.
I have been given such a wonderful opportunity by my amazing husband and I want to take full advantage of it. I want our home to be happy, healthy, warm, and loving. There is no reason that I can’t reach these goals. Today I am going to mark something off my list… something other than laundry and cleaning. Maybe I’ll finally bake some bread. Maybe I’ll paint that birdhouse I bought and have been looking at longingly. Maybe I’ll read a cookbook. Maybe, today, I won’t hate myself or blame myself for something I can’t control.
I think today I will decide to make it good day!
4 comments:
I always have to chuckle at some of our similarities. James is going to visit his dad in Illinois in September. He'll bee gone for 7 days. If I were my sister, I just be ordering pizza every night for dinner, reading and watching movies, but because I'm me, I have started creating a task list a;ong with an accompanying supply list and project time chart for getting the listed tasks done in the time James in gone. How INSANE is that? What's even more insane is that I make these lists and set these goals and its always too much. I mean, I could complete them if I didn't to eat, sleep and occasionally shower, but it's like I'm trying to set myself up for failure!
On another note, don't beat yourself up! Forgive yourself for your slow start to Martha Stewart/Betty Crocker-dom. I', not trying to make excuses for you, BUT you just left a job that had probably been creating a lot more stress in you than you realize and it takes time to decompress. Same goes for gaining weight, it didn't happen over night, all that stress likely contributed to it and it's going to take time and baby steps to change all those behavior patterns you created when you were stressed and working.
I think you're on the right track, you just have to stop being so mean to yourself. You really are a wonderful, caring person and you deserve better :-) And I mean that in the nicest way possible.
Haha, I do the same, Stacy… It’s funny you say that because I’ve got more spreadsheets and task lists than any woman should! I’ve got one for weight tracking that also holds me accountable for my vitamins and medication. I have a fertility chart that tracks everything from ovulation to “deposits”. I have exercise plans, menu plans, grocery lists, coupon lists, and all sorts of other miscellaneous stuff. It’s no wonder I drive myself insane!!
I am trying not to beat myself up too badly… okay, I guess the whole point of that blog is that I am beating myself up. Point taken. Lol! I will try to lighten up. I do give myself a hard time for what I call excuses – such as sleeping, eating, or emails. I spent two years of the last three working full time and working on my Masters full time, in an office that was falling apart. So yeah, there wasn’t much exercise or healthy eating habits. You’re right, it didn’t go on overnight and it won’t go away overnight either.
Thank you for the kind words and thoughtful comments. I do appreciate it!! It’s a shame you live over 4,000 miles away.
Sarah, I adore you and appreciate your honesty. I also hope that as you are working toward change you really do give yourself grace. Sometimes, I have to treat myself as an addict. Maybe I should clarify, I have learned in school that relapse is a part of overcoming addiction that should be embraced and used as a learning tool. I find hope in this b/c if I'm addicted to food, I can't completely avoid it and a relapse into overeating/binge eating seems inevitable!
All this to say, let's both give ourselves time and grace to get it right, one thing at a time and if we do mess up, we can learn from it instead of determine ourselves to be failures. You are anything but a failure. You are beautiful, intelligent and self-aware. You CAN do this.
Thanks, Amanda! It's a hard lesson to learn - giving yourself grace. I get so discouraged when the scale goes up or, as is the case for me lately, stays the same. And that discouragement often leads to thinking "what does it matter if I get popcorn at the movies or eat extra whatever at dinner, the scale isn't moving anyway". The same can be said for all areas that I've been working to change. Each month, when dear Aunt Flo comes to visit, I feel that same discouragement. Why bother trying... nothing's happening anyway. It's a dangerous and dark road sometimes. But I'm trying to keep the faith and remember that each day is a new day. Each opportunity is NOT just a failure waiting to happen. I can learn from yesterday and make today and tomorrow better. :o)
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