Tuesday is fast approaching and I can hardly wait!! We have our first ultrasound and will get to see our first pictures of “Lil Pea”.
It’s been rough, waiting for the time to pass by. I feel desperately like I should be doing something to prepare. Part of me is dying to start redesigning the second bedroom. I want to go pick out paint and a crib. I want to find the perfect curtains. I want start buying all the little odds and ends that I want to have around before “Lil Pea” arrives. I want to make the room feel warm, cozy, and inviting. At the same time, I feel like it’s too soon and I don’t want to get carried away. I’m still afraid to believe this is really and truly happening.
I think the hardest part though, is that I feel totally unprepared. I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. Haha! My body has been hijacked and my brain is on autopilot. I’m not in control of anything anymore. I can’t get my thoughts to remain organized. I haven’t felt this spacey since elementary school. I truly believe if my husband sent me to brush my teeth and get ready for bed, he’d find me building a Lego castle on our bedroom floor 45 minutes later (like my mom did so many years before). I really have no idea whether I’m coming or going; which way is up?
The chaos in my mind leads to some fears about repeating some of the school failures of my past in mommy form. Richard and I were talking the other night about it. I was telling him how I’m worried that I won’t be a good mom. What if I forget something important? Like what if he’s allergic to something and I forget and give it to him. What if I get distracted by something and he chokes. Or I forget to change his diaper frequently enough and he gets diaper rash. There are a million things that could go wrong just because I’m not paying as much attention as I should. It’s not like forgetting to turn in homework or mail a bill on time – this is a child, for cryin’ out loud…
Those concerns tend to turn into even more extreme and unrealistic fears. I start to worry that I won’t like being a mom. Maybe I’m too selfish and I like all the free time I have now. What if I get tired of it!? Haha, it’s not like I can give it back!! What if I think unkind thoughts about my baby? Or what if I get postpartum depression and I don’t want to even look at my baby!? Will I never get to sleep in again?
Obviously, I think I’m just experiencing a normal reaction to the realization that our lives are about to change forever. I’m totally thrilled with the idea of being a mother. When Richard and I decided over a year and a half ago that we would start trying for a baby, we discussed the changes that would result. We didn’t go into this blind; there certainly are things that we won’t be able to do again for a very long time. But then I remind myself why and is it more important to hop in your car and head to the beach sporadically on the summer weekends or would you rather have a baby. I pull up You Tube and I search for ultrasound videos at whatever week I’m at (12 today!)… and I look at what our baby might look like… I am so overwhelmed with the beauty and joy of it all… I just know that Tuesday will take my breath away….
Or I look at pictures of my cousin’s son (who is about to turn one!) playing in his sand tray or taking his first steps and my heart just melts. I realize that I’m going to be doing that myself soon…! I’m seeing the pictures of my friends and family who have new babies in a totally new light. And I realize that all my fears are totally baseless, because I cannot wait to crawl around on the floor with my kid. I can’t wait to go exploring and watch their little faces light up as they discover something new!
Right now, it’s hard for it to feel real. I feel run down, tired, and a little discombobulated. I can’t see “Lil Pea” and February/March seems such a long way away. I think once we see “lil Pea” on Tuesday some of this will change. I think this will become more real for us and we will be able to start making adjustments. I still have not bought a single baby item and I hope to change that once I have that picture in my hands. I think that this coming week is going to be a major turning point for us. We’re getting very close to crossing into second trimester territory and we’ll finally get to see how our little pea is progressing! Yay!
2 comments:
You will adjust wonderfully! I know you will. I'm sure you had similiar concerns to marriage too. You talked about your life together, you love eachother, you knew everything, you felt prepared for that too... until it happened... and things still were hardered to handle than you thought. Right? I mean.. I'm just saying everything that you enter in to that makes such a dramatic change is going to feel like this - you're going to talk about it, feel ready, and then boom! it comes and you freak out a bit. But just trust in yourself and in your husband as the people you know you truly are. Everything will work out. It'll be tough at times and you may make a mistake here and there... but it'll all be ok. Look at us, I'm sure Mom can tell you that she had similar fears... and we turned out ok :) haha!
You'll be wonderful! I still can't believe it's real either... but when that Lil Pea comes... I know it'll be the most amazing feeling. xoxo
Thanks, Diana!! You're such an amazing sister. :o) You're so right about marriage being very similar. It was awkward at first too, and we'd lived together for so long it surprised me we had any trouble transitioning at all. I'm sure everything will work out perfectly.
Maybe seeing the pictures will make it more real for you too. :o)
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